today i had really, really erratic moodswings, to the extent where i feel so ashamed and mortified by my seemingly childish behaviour.
i felt
mortified at my loud chatter and incessant whining.
panicky at the lack of knowlegdge of my results.
confusion and fear at my current state.
stressed at the seemingly lack of acadamic content.
unable to cope with the workload(though there's none yet zzzzzzzz)
unattractive.(which i am, and there's nothing a million bucks can do to me,obviously not through artificial means. wait, oh shut up and stop digressing).
insecure, cause nothing actually seems permanent and i dread changes.
oh how loserishhhhhh
all throughout the day ive been feeling this odd sense of anxiety, where its building up and i feel increasingly sick to my stomach, as if im on the verge of barfing. ive bitten my nails down beyond their nailbed, till their tiny, tinier and tiniest.
my breaths get ragged as my heart pounds faster, and i start to get choked with tears yet none flows out.i want to yell and scream and rant but i cant, cause an invisble hand is choking me
i think maybe, maybe to some extremely deluded extent, others might think im in a very cushy spot, cause i dont seem to study very hard/ study quite a bit and get quite respectable results. or that i seem bold enough to talk to pple whom i dont know (I AM NOT, IM PASSIVE-ACTIVEEEE) or im happy really easily or i have friends.
im not, quite the contrary in fact.
i barely know how to relate to pple, and often force the conversation to lapse into a very awkward and sudden silence.
i bullshit my way through my tutorials and lessons and with sheer luck i get A FEW right.
i dont know how to let pple know when im really upset with them and i dont dare speak up though i seem so domineering and mean and evil (which i am, sometimes reeally) and then i end up being miserably silently.
oh i dont know. i guess all these are just rants and maybe there's only a slightest, slightest bit of ring of truth to it. and then, maybe not.
and i realised ive been bitten, bitten by the bug. the bug of selfdoubt. :(
when i combine stress, fatigue, teasing and frustation, and insist on carrying on, i cry.
yeah, thats what i did today.
i cried in school and made others think it was their fault.
to a large extent, it wasnt.
but they catalysed it.
i bet their gonna avoid me or feel guilty still.
god dont i love alienating myself. :(((((
can you help me out with this pineapple craze please?
HAHA went to bed at 2000hrs and woke up at 2330hrs. so im preettyy awake now.
my phone didnt die on me.
im such a doofus. all my phone needed was a good dose of electricity. hehehe.
i have no idea why( ok i do have a wee bit of idea but im refusing to admit to it in any sort of way cause i will not believe that it will become a permanent fixture in my life :( but i guess it has to but you cant deny it has a rather odd occurance) my head has been reallly reallly woozy for the last 3 days.
i mean, i was walking to school on thursday noon and i was cold-sweating profusely whilst stumbling to school. and then my head feels like a large conical flask thats being swirled really really slowly and heavily. :( i keep tripping over my own feet like a clumsy hippo while my head hurts. what a way tto celebrate the end of prelims.
ok my timing is really bad. first i sleep at 8 like an 8 yr old hahahaha, next i miss out on an excellent time to sleep. it was JUST POURING 10 MINS AGO!!!!!!! geez. guess i was busy posting pictures and watching teevee. HAHA.
come to think of it, ive been shaking my leg for rather long and my tummy is jiggling along with it! EEKS!!!!!!!
ok, yawning but lazy to head to bed. must. continue. surfing. ok im gone!
EDITED!! to say ive been buzzed awake by an icecream documentary called the icecream story on channel 16! HAHAHHA so ill prolly be sleeping after it ends which will be what 2? 3? :S YUMMY THOUGH!! AHAH
TELL ME THIS INTERESTS YOUUU zzzzzzzz
me studying HAHAHA
gorgeously neurotic ZAT who keeps studying though prelims are over haha
proven: she's nuts. thats me STUDYING, FOR REAL! HA!
crazy but amazingly gorgeous when normal STAR SHOOTER FIRDA! :D
:)))
230905
hehehehehehehehehehheheh IN MY JAMMIES HAHA LAUGH AT ME WITH ME!
:))))))))))) alls good. never better! :D vic, BDAY GIRL (whom i wished a day late cause i THOUGHT it was a day late haha wtf right) and yes, me.
yf, hilary chow and me HAHAHA HILARY
HILARIOUS SARAH WWHO'S BACK BACK BACK!!! teeheeeeheeeeee
then it was over to weiwei's house with all the silly boyssssss. with his pretty bag which he refuses to lend meeeeeeee
ng weiwei! haha idiot was playing xboxxxxx hence the silly faceeee
thats all! no no sorry. thats not all, that was just a few of those pictures!
i was going to post the link to the two new online picture albums(which have like ten times the amount of pictures here!!!! ) here but something made me hesitate bout doing that.
hmmm. msn me for the link and ill hit you up.
ahaha or just try convincing me through my haloscan (blog commenting tool) which i doubt anyone would do so cause practically no souls peruses through my blog ahahaha!
ive spent today bumming bout at home right in front of the tellie after waking up at 2.30 officially.
haha not bad considering i came home at 445am!
it was deeaddd boring at home so i went to rent 3 dvds!
mean girls
stepford wives -both of which i just watched
and ocean's twelve! which i may not end up watching cause im starting to get a headache spending the whole day in front of the tellie.
HAHA the ending to stepford's wives is hilarious.
anyways, my phone has died on me. literally. i cant switch it onnnnnnnnn. booo
pictures all loadeddddd. yay wait for me to be nice to edit this post to copy and paste the links. haha
HAHAHAHA im in weiwei's house now watching them play silly boy games whilst fending off their suanings.
zzzzz its good to be back.
HAHAHAH
zzzzzzzzzzzz
today was GREATT
HEHE photos up later!!!
i hate baking
tiring and my results always resemble dog poop.
ARGH. today, its just me, against the world.
RROOOAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
if i pray hard enough, will you grant me my one wish?
the day was spent in school doing ONLY ONEEEEE chem question, crying at the back of the canteen, and laughing, giggling and guffawing once again like a little schoolgirl.
im really really tired.
my mum is leaving, and im baking.
i think i cried due to accumalation of stress, that MEAN situation and the lack of baking. so im baking, or baked chocolate chip, peanut butter choc chip, and double choc choc chip macadamia nuts. so that i can chill, share them with FIRDA, IZZATI AND BOYBOY, and send my mum off with some good old homemade cookies.
im tired and im stressed even after prelims. zz. brain not functioning. byebyeee
snort.
i mentioned in my earlier post that yesterday went really well but i really have to kick myself in the shin for actually saying and stating it in black and white cause i totally jinxxed myself.
why?
WHY?!
cause the moment i blogged that entry and emerged from my shower, i couldnt find my ipod earphones. see, i actually wrapped them in a HUGE HUGE HUGE bundle of toilet paper to prevent them from getting wet earlier when i was using them in the toilet. AND THEY TOTALLY DISAPPEARED. my dad and mum tried searching through the waste downstairs cause i threw a MAJOR fuss and woke up the entire household (well except for my sis cause when she's asleep she's as good as dead. zz). my maid claims she never touched nor even realised what it was(YOU SEE, YOU SEE! see why im semi-neurotic all the time!!)
so end of the story, the VERY DAY I USED MY NEW IPOD EARPHONES, I LOSE IT. its still missing.
but i was sooo immensely fatigued that after kicking up a BIG hulabaloo and my parents went down to search, i curled up on my bed on the verge of tears, and fell asleep almost immediately. zzz.
yeah. so my prelims ended TODAY AT 3. to celebrate, i headed home and then TUITION. yeah. nothing like a good session of tuition to commemorate the end of papers. zzzzzz. the worst part of it all is some crazed relief tutor took over and was driving me nuts with her twitching, jerking, and self-mumbling. creepy yet hilarious!! HAHA.
my body has decided to respond to the end of my prelims by doing the exact same thing as midyrs. GO NUTS ON ME. at the end of midyrs, i had a fever so bad i stayed home on ALL my free days and huddled in bed, too feverishly ill to move. this time, im cursed with a POUNDING HEADACHE.
roar!!!!!!
you know sometimes i detest myself. but at least i dont have to despise myself for calling others names that should be inferred on me.
and that, makes me feel good about myself.
:D:D:D:D
the reason for my enthusiasm in blogging, is slowly dwindling as i lose interest. :( i dont want to!!
i BURST OUT LAUGHING when ryan adopted a duckweed nasal voice and imitated summer saying ''cohennn. cant believe you did that cohennn''
HAHA. oh goodness. season 3 ep one was a good start. i LOVELOVELOVE THE OC and that fact that its able to pull you into the drama and make you feel as if it were yr life.
oh how i wish soooooo
today i laughed soo soo so much i thought my gut was going to drop out!
HAHAH.
TUYUAN AND HIS SMELLY PARANOIA!!
BENSON AND HIS STUDY-AT-THE-BOARD-AND-DUMBIN METHOD
BENSON BEING TORMENTED ON THE BUS
BENSON READING EVERYTHING OUT
hahahahahah
honestly, benson is SOOOO ADORABLE AND HILARIOUS
hahahahahahahahahah
good night everyone! although my day started out with me being shellshocked and walking around in a daze, it might just end off well! :D its my last paper tml! yayyyyy perhaps i will start baking again. ahhah
when i look at my dad now, i cant help thinking how much he is begiinning to resemble HOMER SIMPSON.
then i realise im starting to channel BART SIMPSONS, in more ways than one.
HAHAH
AYE CARUMBA, PEOPLE!! :D
yesterday i headed out to town for three hours after coming home and throwing a fit(HAHA.)
within an hour i'd amassed myself
new elastic ties for school, white, muddy orange, dusty pink, red, olive green and corduroy blue! :D
a new new pair of RED haivanas! :D:D:D
two racerbacks one grey(MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE FOR THE MOMENT) one turquoise.
teenvogue oct (i always seem to be able to get only the even-numbered months issue. how odd.)
i feel like killing myself. in the event where i am unable to regularly hit town and do quality retail therapy, i buy SO LITTLE?!?! ROARRRRRRRRR.
so today after church and stuff (i went to tiong bahru mkt for lunch and BOUGHT ME SOME WOODEN CHOPSTICKS. WHEE. pretty oldschool stuff :)) i headed to BM'S macs to study. forty five mins late of course, hehe i was having a nap.
in the three hours i was there i only did ONE ORG CHEM WKSHEET. oh god, i feel like killing myself. i left at 1930 to come home for dinner and hey presto nobody's home for any. BAHHHH. SO NOW IM PANICKING LIKE A NUTCASE CAUSE IM NEAR CLUELESS ABOUT ECONS ECONS ECONS ECONS is the bane of my existance!!!!!!!!!!
so the solution?! retain.
but the thing is, if i do, i want to do so on my accord, and not to be coerced into it by circumstances. ok. rambling= symptoms of panic and continuing to type random and useless facts into my blog is a sign im trying to avoid getting off the comp and hitting the books.
NOOOOO HIT THE BOOKS NOW. but my tummy's rumbling HAHAHAHAHAHA and my sis refuses to go eat teochew buay cause there are cats there.
CATS. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
HAHAHAHA WTF RIGHT.
today i was jerked out of my amazing dream to somee IRRITATING NINCOMPOOP OF A THING that was vibrating constantly to which i fumbled around blindly for to KILL it twas my CELL AND I dreamily answered the phonecall where firda asked me ''charissa? are you coming to school?''
i jolted right out of bed and hollered OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGGG SORRY SORRY SORRY IM COMING!!!!!!!! before i ran out of the house at 1330 when i was supposed to be in school at 9am. obviously the answer i got was a earbustingly burst of laughter from all three of them.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
anyway, my HONEYBUN(TRADEMARK!!!hahahahaahha) cookies were well appreciated yay!!. but a certain jerk totally cheesed me off. zzzzzzzzzzzzz. but alllss goodd :)
i was so off my concentration today i spent the entire day in school giggling like a little schoolgirl(oh wait, i am one! HAHA) and yakking with PEIJUN in hushed tones. hahahahahahaha. so fun. what is econs compared to chitchating!!!! haha
orchard econs makeup tuition was HORRENDOUS. HAHA manda and i could hardly hear ourseleves over the din the other pple was making. seriously, the noise is bout TWENTY times the amountt me, manda and lauren make! seeeeee! so our tuition classmates should actually be really grateful to us and laugh along and ALOUD to our jokes. HAHAHHA.
ok im supposeed to head to school tml (AGAIN. zz but i enjoy doing so! i really do!! :))))))))))))) to study. hope i'd be able to concentrate and get myself good to WOW mdm khoo with my econs. hehehehe.
i THINK i know why im starting to blog regularly. i hope this continues! :D:D:D cause this is better than reading the same post over and over again for one month straight no? haha.
ok its raining and it should be suppperrrr comfy to sleep and its a good reason to get off the comp so ill physco(spelling's wrong i know but im a creature of habit, so there!! haha) myself into getting off off offffff but of course ill leave it on so that i can get my OC S03E01 ASAP!! hahah cant wait!! :D
honestly i have no idea whatttt im doing to myself.
i have no more papers for the rest of this week, but there are FIVE MORE to go for next week. (and no, i actually didnt really study today. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
im actually still in my uniform at this hour, with it having numerous chocolate stains.
hahaha.
cause i just finished baking my THIRD batch of cookies for today.
oatmeal raisin
bittersweet dedacance
chocchoc walnut (my own concoction!! ahah)
and it kinda makes sense that if im kicked out of school, i can set up a cookie business!! HAHA oh how exciting!!
oh how exhausted.
SQUEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
::D:DD:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
i want my own summer-seth romance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:(
hehehehehehe
today's math paper two was quite DO-ABLE!!!!
haha and once again while evaluating answers mine were always off!
hehe but i felt so EMANCIPATED!!! mainly cause the only subject i studied hard for is OVER!!
ended up in MOS burger with the everamusing SIQI and PEISHAN (who should really be in a poly cause she looks goooooddddddd in home clothes haha) and fell asleep at je interchange so i missed my train while snoozing on my bag. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the next train was EIGHT MINS LATERRR ZZZZ.
so im baking a batch of NUTELLA MUFFINS! hope it turns out right! twists fingers. hehe im watching news for my GP paper tml. the way i look at it, no matter how hard i try, i might never really do well for my essayyyyyyy.
yayyyyy NUTELLA MUFFINS FOR TML! :D:D
snort.
i had a tummyache, and out of sheer anxiety i grabbed my statstext, a prelim paper and did stats while sitting on the potty.
haha and though i was feverishly completing questions for that 15 mins (of which i prolonged by just staying put and doing a bit more), after i left the toilet my mind let go mentally. FINALLY!! HAHA.
so even though mentally i gave up, i forced myself through one whole section D of some random prelim paper( which i loudly applaud myself for! HAHA) i am now doing random stuff around in my home like spilling water all over the floor RIGHT into front of my room, comtemplating baking brownies (yes! nowwwwwww. maybe not), typing meaningless entries at an unearthly hour to which is barely 7 hrs away from my next paper and being still in my uniform. dont squeal so loudly in disgust; i can hear you!!
okk i can hear the bullfrogs telling me to go sleep.
im not only fatigued, im also awake due to the tremendous amounts of tea i drank today.
mentally, im held together by a thin, splintering(ww?) string.
and if i were to snap, i believe i might seriously become a vegetable.
sooo.
after and during the devasting math paper 1, i'd already planned to either stay back one year, or simply, and easily quit school, if certain things happen, of course.
so i left the exam hall in a very quasi-depressed state but carried on laughing and stuff. because i realised that if i do retain, i get to play netball for a year more!!!!!
HOHOHOHOH SERIOUSLY IM QUITE HYPED UP BY THAT VERY THOUGHT!! :D:D:D:D:D:D goodness gracious! and most likely i'd enter main team and play GA cause coach goes by the principle of seniority( unless your not on his team but thats another rant for another entry).
ooohhhh seriously its super enticing!! :D:D:D:D
but today's chem paper was so relatively do-able, that i exited the hall guffawing like an idiot. HAHA, even though later when comparing answers mine was always WAYY off. hahahaa zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and today as usual i stayed back till late doing stats and there was one point of them i was consulting MR DAVID CHIA (ONE OF MY TWO FAVOURITEST MATH TEACHERS!! who are also quite dorky but still! HAHA) and he started bombarding me with countless questions i couldnt answer. all i could do was to stare dumbly while his questions graduated into agressive rants as to how come i barely knew my basics.
i sat there and almost wimpered and when he left for some meeting i almostt cried. then he came back and i steeled myself. cant cry in front of david chia rightttt so humilating! HAHAHA. yeah. maths is the only subject i mugged like a dog for. if i end up failing or getting below a B ill cry my eyes out.
watch out for me in school two weeks from now.
ok im gonna head to do two more stats papers but before that ive gotta sanitise my hp. dont even ask.
can i please cry?
i just baked a batch of banana nutella muffins!
and oh goodness graciouss their delicious!
the subtle taste of bananas accompanied by the velvety nutella goodness!
HAHA
im actually on my second muffin here.
seriously i've gotta stop, although baking is my therapy.
how i would love love love and maybe even die to become anoxeric.
seriously.
and HAPPY HAPPY BDAY TO NG WEIWEI. though he barely bothers with my blog, he's UNREALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL haha.
waiting waiting waiting
for this
bout of depression
to crawl away
and stop messing around
with meeeeeeee
cause im already a wreck.
and more than that.
*when i get seriously miffed bout anyone, i would usually vent it out in a lengthy post to the person, of course anonymously. but when it comes to you, haha i simply cant be bothered, cause you mean nothingg.
NOTHING. SO THERE!
HAHAH!
waiting waiting waiting
for this
bout of depression
to crawl away
and stop messing around
with meeeeeeee
cause im already a wreck.
and more than that.
*when i get seriously miffed bout anyone, i would usually vent it out in a lengthy post to the person, of course anonymously. but when it comes to you, haha i simply cant be bothered, cause you mean nothingg.
NOTHING. SO THERE!
HAHAH!
haah you know after a dayof enjoying myself sometimes
when i reach home and sit back and think back bout the day, or the incidents that happened the last few days, i realise that i really do enjoy deluding myself.
fucking asshat.
and im really so bloody nice sometimes that i should just wrap myself in PINK icing and smile really wide and fake. BAH.