ill say what i want - because i can

Saturday, December 31, 2005

on thursday i alternated between the two comps.
on the comp with msn i hid myself on msn by appearing offline more than 3/4 of the day.

tml i want to head out to town and go some major MAC damage to the nets but i dont know who to ask out.
at this moment i dont want to have to chat continuously with my company or entertain the person throughout the shopping venture.
sigh. i dont knowwwwwwwww

i think im cranky.

C at 2:47 AM |
------ Thursday, December 29, 2005

suddenly i feel quite ill about being home.
for the entire day i felt dead bored but vehemently refused to head out.

because for the entire day today i could have been teaching english, playing games and chatting with the thai kids in schools, helping out at the Homework club or having CS time or briefing at this very moment.
and while doing so i would be taking digs at Nat, teasing Demi Moore and ruffling Keith's, Caleb's, Nat's and Andy's hair proclaiming that their cute/adorable.
and then i would be giggling uncontrollably over silly stuff with JANE [HAHAHA]
or even talking trash to everyone else [<3, which i really enjoy haha].

and so to put it mildly it blows to be back. back in this materially superficial society.

C at 10:37 PM |
------

A belateddddddd..
Khor hai mi khwam suk wan clismass
Khor hai mi khawm suk wan clismass
Khor hai mi khawm suk wan clismass
Lat sawatdee bi mai!!!!!

my face is rearranged into a cornucupia of dullness and disbelief cause i took 710 PICTURES AND VIDEOS.
goodness gracioussssss!

i think its unnecessary for me to say im back. :)

C at 6:20 PM |
------ Monday, December 19, 2005

this is bad.
at 0210 in the early morning my bag is barely packed, my room looks like the wardrobe and makeup stuff vomitted on it, and ive officially messed up the second comp area.
not to mention how my bag is TOO TINY for everything i have and im mentally panicking cause the closet perfectionist in me is afraid i'd miss something from the checklist [ROAR] or leave my MAC out for the remaining residents in the house to prowl over.

yikes. the very thought of that fills me with utter dread!

on the plus side, my hair looks and feels really good/pretty!!!! haha!

----
hahahahahahaah. [ it was definately not verbalised.]
im better, but not at my best.

and ill hence proceed to bid you a fair goodbye. [with me still vehemently against looking at my own blog.]
hoping to keep my emotions and head in check.

and it alternates between prozac-highs and emo-blues.
so am i to blame or are you?

C at 2:23 AM |
------ Saturday, December 17, 2005

question: how does one sob without alerting one's parents?

question: how does one clear their own name while being maligned and keeping silent?

question: how does one sort out their emotions so it is tidy and comprehendable like, oh i dont know, my panty drawer on a good day?

question: how does one lead 14 pple when others and she herself doubts her very own abilities?

question: why does it all happen at one time?

quesion: why does it all happen to me?

im relieved my phone is in nokiacare; no more burdening msgs or duty-calls whatsoever.
im relieved i can choose not to click on my blog and take a look at the [nonexistent] comments. [i dont know cause i refuse to look at it.]
im relieved i have the choice of answering you or not, on msn.
im relieved cause i have an escape route, not for too long but prolly just nice a time period.
im relieved cause you chose to blab while i keep silent and everyone blames me and its all fine and dandy.
im relieved cause ive extended the time my tears take to swell up and descend by venting on this post.

anger comes too often, and seldom goes. it blurs my vision and my eyes turn red, blinded. and there is no one whom i feel really deserves my wrath. so please ignore me while i ignore everything else to nurse myself back to normalcy.

C at 11:21 PM |
------ Friday, December 16, 2005

list of adjectives thrown at me or behind my back recently[within a span of a week]

fugly.
too enthu[siastic]
detestable
irritating
tagalong
bossy
stubborn
petty

anymore to add on to the list? oh please do contribute any impressions you have on me asap, so that when you say it oh-so-carelessly i wouldnt be fucking upset.

----

you have and will continue to surpass me in every sense and every way.

oh how just like [THE BLASTED] hilary and haylie duff.

----

too much have gone on this past week and im simply too tired to stand up to it all. ive quite decided to stay put at home in my favourite jammies for the rest of my life and continute stuffing my face with double portions of chicken rice, macaroni, and mint and dark choc gelato.

i doubt i'd care for any words of comfort because it has already been provided by the [fucking carbo-laden] food.

but yr always free to add on to the list of adjectives.

or even try slapping me.

C at 7:30 PM |
------

wrong way.
gos-tan.
and proceed to go off in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can.
ill repeat in case it didnt get through : WRONG WAYYY!!!!!

i suppose once again, imagination is the root problem.
le sigh.

thank God im leaving.

----
i still cant believe and am unbelievably upset that you slapped me.

C at 5:18 AM |
------ Wednesday, December 14, 2005

on monday
i asked for dark chocolate and mint gelato and the mother got the maid to get me a tub. nobody else at home seems to fancy eating it at this moment so ive been gorging myself every night.
good thing its chocolate, with its endorphins and all.
too bad it just doesnt work for me.

in two days, ive amassed

a scarlet vintage belt thats OH SO GORGEOUS!
Lindsay's 'a little more personal' cd - BEYONG AMAZING AND ROCKING HARD. <3
a guess wallet! [not that i fancy guess, ugh.]
a black topshop slip-dress [thats yet to arrive!!]
brillantly yellow pumps! :))

and my christmas shopping isnt exactly done yet.

ive gotta buy myself loads cause im not gonna receive any christmas presents! :)

selflove! <3>

C at 11:54 PM |
------ Monday, December 12, 2005

its beginning to get to me.
the teasings and the suanings and the ignorings.
and the occasional abandonment.

i actually dislike being emo.
who enjoys having their moods swing from one spectrum to another.
to laugh with oblivious joy [not that i do anymore] to feeling insecure the very next moment.

i say screw this.

ill just return to my bed and let it engulf me while the heart sinks lower with every breath.

C at 2:56 AM |
------ Sunday, December 11, 2005

i came home 15 mins ago.

shat 3 mins ago.

and am ready to go bathe and collapse into my comfy yellow bed in 1 min's time.

no thanks to the whirlwind of the week that just ended.

ps: I WANT MAC!!!!!!! -moans. :(

C at 8:32 PM |
------ Saturday, December 10, 2005

today was fun with the boys again.
BUT THE TEN BOYS REALLY GIVE ME A MIGRAINE!
HAHA.
wellllll.. shopping for girl stuff is really hard with them ----i know i know; UNDERSTATEMENT. snort.

----
THE NEW MAC LINE 'WHO'S THAT LADY IS OUT'!!!!
OH MYYYYYY.
I SIMPLY CANT WAIT TO GET MY HANDS ON THE 'DAME IN A DRESS' LIP GELEE. TINTED LIP CONDITIONER IN 'CLEO'S CORAL KISS' AND 'BLUSHING FEMME' PRESSED POWDER.
not to mention the regular eyeshadows in 'bitter' and 'chrome yellow';
regular lip gelee in 'glossibilty', 'slicked pink' and especially 'dewy jube';
the nail laquer in 'moody blue'!
sigh.
i admit it; im a mac-addict!!!!
day and night i dream bout all the mac stuff i own, desire and need.
HAHA.

----
04s10's [so-far] confirmed list of sleepover party-goers!

charlene [tuesday]
shuying [sunday]
charissa [tuesday]
big hl [tuesday]

more more! quickly respond so we'd be able to arrange stuff! :)

----

im going to bake cookies now!!

golden chocolate chip cookies to take advantage of my atrocious sleeping patterns!

C at 1:52 AM |
------ Friday, December 09, 2005

the boys were fun today.

but all the way back in my head was that nagging and worrying thought. perhaps nonstop.
and i have no idea what im going to do bout it. double sigh.

----
my sleeping habits is really messing me up.
everynnight i go to bed at 5am.
wake up at 1pm.
nap from 3pm-7pm.

and the cycle continues. groans.

tml im gonna force myself awake at 11am and head down to borders to pour a grande cup of iced peppermint mocha latte down my throat and purchase my january w magazine.
CAUSE ITS FEATURING MARYKATE ON THE COVER!
HOW ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY BLOODY FANTASTIC!
mk is <3<3<3<3<3love<3<3<3<3<3<3.

----
to: 04S10

tentative sleepover party at big hl's place
tuesday 13th dec.
2230hrs[meeting at cck control station] - next day noon
everyone's to bring their jammies[hehehee] and junk food!
[im bringing popcorn cause i have a crazy craving for it!!!!! POPCORN POPOPOPOPOPCORNN YAYYY!!!!!]

reply me here if you can make it, or alternatively sms me or big hl asap ok?
heart!

C at 4:54 PM |
------ Thursday, December 08, 2005

today i walked alone for three solid hours and bought sixty bucks worth of books and thought all was well again.

but then i was slammed back into that hellhole within the next hour.

its going to take way more than 3 miserabble books this time; but coldhearted, ruthless and vicious planning.

C at 2:18 AM |
------ Wednesday, December 07, 2005

it goes up and down and slams me all around.

i think my mantra is
-makeup makes everything good.

now ill go practise flipping double birdies to myself.

FUCK YOUUUUUUUU.

ps: if yr blind or missing yr index finger[which is also, coincidentally yr scroll finger on yr mouse], you should prolly be thankful for the info that the link to prom pictures are in the post below this. now fuck you for being lazy. or fuck me for being a fucktard.

C at 2:20 AM |
------ Tuesday, December 06, 2005

i came home nauseous and woke up sick to my tummy.

but it was a good night, all in all.
despite the fact that my heels were killing me,
i arrived TWO HRS late,
my dress was falling off,
i was barefooted almost throughout the night,
i was barfing in the toilet,
nauseous and faint,
and feeling really really hot.

snort. who am i kidding.
so..

here you go.

ps: pretty pretty please send any pictures you have with me to bluetopazgurl@yahoo.com aye? thanks sweethearts!

ive been so deadbored for the last 2 hrs and if any of you[with sufficient finances] out there would just pop by my house and entertain me, WELL, DO SO NOW!!!
haha.

im tired of bluetopazgurl.blogspot.com. juvenileeeeee-sounding, isnt it.

time:2326hrs, 061205

C at 7:22 AM |
------ Sunday, December 04, 2005

suddenly i dont feel like going anymore.

the hassle of getting the dress, doing makeup, teetertottering around in heels and just getting there to mingle around is really..
not my thing actually.

im tired.
and the notion of remaining in my favorite jammies is getting increasingly appealing.

time:1553hrs, 051205

C at 11:47 PM |
------

snort.
can you believe it?

at 0225hrs, a mere 15 hrs away from prom i have yet to get my dress.

ive been dry-running my makeup [cause playing with makeup is wayyy more fun than watching telly, haha!] and i think i resemble a harajuku girl. yikes.

not to mention the fact that wangwangs have made their MAJOR comeback in my life and im currently stuffing my face with them! [OH HOW AMAZINGLY YUMMY!!!]

my nails keep getting smugdged and stuff

and oh wells.
heheheheehe i got my MAC GLITTER PIGMENTS AND GLITTERLINER IN PEACOCKY!! [and also bought a new tube of zoomlash]
you have no idea how psyched i am!!

which means/hints that for christmas, ill take ANYTHING FROM MAC!!
besides lipglasses[cause my lips are trout enough thankyou]
and lip gelees[ditto]
and nothing else!

MMAACCCCCCCCC <3<3<3<3<3<3

time:0231hrs, 051205

C at 10:32 AM |
------ Friday, December 02, 2005

i tell you shanghai did something to me!

i returned with a drippy nose and clogged up system along with a sorethroat.
and now
i have really really bad midnight cravings [THE BLOODY FUCKING HORRORS! ohhhh my first swear word in prolly ever so long :))] and my tummy hurts REALLY bad if i dont eat anything!!
i ate instant noodles on the 31st, wantons last night and am eatng half a beef pepper steak[with fries beans and whatnot!] currently.

i am doomed. bagels, grape juice and rubbish is entering my system nonstop! and its not like i snacked all the time in shanghai! in fact i was almost always asleep by 2230hrs! heh how wellbehaved i am.

and i repeat, im doomed.

time: 2339hrs, 021205

ps: pictures and videos of shanghai up soon! how soon is as soon as i can finish lazing around. :D

C at 7:40 AM |
------

ive been backkkkkkk for almost 2 days!
and its been almost a whirlwind. i think.

i skipped out on going tonight with rachael, em and cheryl; cheryl called up at 8 when i was still sleeping!! and was supposed to be at orcahrd mrt at that time!
i was so fatiguedd and uncomfortable i told her i wasnt feeling well, which is true!
sorry you guys [if you even see this]; i feel really really bad
i would have really loved to go!

oh and the dress.
sigh, the dress.
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

time: 2249hrs, 021205

ps: meanwhile! please continue tagging the post beneath yeah? yeah! :)))))) heart!

C at 6:50 AM |
------ hits. since 041104